Pat tries to answer some voicemails and emails Larry King style...

Hi to everyone who has left me messages. The sheer volume of 550 mile driving legs, museum visits, souvenir shopping, photo shoots, historical building visits, packing, unpacking, and trying to eat three squares a day leaves me short on time to answer these communiques. So let me pick a few.

From Paul F. of La Plata, Maryland (Friday, 6/19):

Lucky,

I am just checking in to make sure everything is going according to plan on your little adventure. I hope you are on schedule and on budget. Just checking in. Let me know that you are on plan.

Reply:

Dear Paul F.,

Thank you for your deep concern. You are a voracious reader so I know you know the word schadenfreude. I will not allow you to experience schadenfreude at my expense so let me say that I am on schedule and I never had time to make a budget. I am working on a budget now and it is in scientific notation because the exponents make it easier. I will let you know the budget in about 4 more weeks.

Signed,

The Wanderer.

From Terry C. of Bethesda, Maryland (Friday, 6/19):

Hey bro what city R u in u are nutz r u reddy 2 come home and deal with biz insted of 4 kidz wat is rong witchu u must be in pain hahahahaha not in my dna bro how do u like it NOW????

Reply:

Dear Terry C.

Thank you for your deep concern. I think "nuts" does not have any "z"s in it. But crazy does have a "z"- use that instead. Otherwise see answer to Paul F re: schadenfreude.

Signed,

How About Creating a Business Emergency To Save Me, Partner?

From: American Express Corporation, Fraud Unit, Chicago, Illinois (Friday, 6/19):

Dear Cardholder,

We have reviewed your account activity and based on your history, the amount of recent expenditures, and the location of them, we believe a team of ten to twelve thieves have appropriated your credit card information and are on a binge throughout the south and southwestern United States. Please advise right away if these expenditures are fraudulent. If so we will cancel your card number and reissue a new one immediately. You will not be responsible for any fraudulent charges but we do need to hear from you as soon as possible.

Reply:

Dear American Express Fraud Unit,

Thank you for your deep concern. I am not at home right now. When I get home (it will be a while) and see my statements and how much it adds up to, I will let you know whether this is fraud or not. Is that cool? Let it ride.

Signed,

Cardholder